HEARD ANY GOOD BLONDE JOKES LATELY?

one of the many sins we've committed on this site (besides not writing much) has been the avoidance to chatting up beer styles. for that, and as the rodent of the group, i would like to apologize. to kick things off the category department, i would like to start with a style of ale that is fairly new to me: the american blonde ale. 

when i've mentioned blonde ales around my midwest beer-fiendly friends, i'm usually met with blank stares and shrugged shoulders. when i mention blonde ales around my friends from the republic, they immediately begin naming any number of native texas varieties. the geographical difference makes sense only when one takes into account that texas has a long history of german settlement and influence. combine this with the fact that blondes are reminiscent of traditional german kolsch lagers and pilsners, then one has to wonder how the damn shiner bock got so famous. it's sad to realize that we could have been drinking blondes instead of bocks this whole time. 

as mentioned, american blonde ales are nearly synonymous with traditional german kolsches and pilsners; however, where the kolsch and pilsners might have a stronger dry-grass like flavor, blondes will more often swell around the hips with sweet notes dangling a citrus fruitiness. consider the difference between a dry white wine, such as a riesling, to something a bit fuller and fruitier, perhaps a muscato. tinged with noble style hops, the american blonde ale washes with pure maltiness, offering a mellow, lager like refreshment. bubbling with flavors as light as its appearance, the blonde is a perfect beer for sweltering texas summers (and springs and falls and even some days of winter). plus, weighing in with ABV levels in between 4 - 5%, it's easy to kick back several of these puppies guilt free.  

with all that said, i'd like to give a run down of five very promising american blonde ales, in no particular order except that i shall boldly state my favorite at the bottom of the list.

5.) TRUE BLONDE ALE (5.3% ABV) from SKA BREWING CO. (Durango, CO) - made with a dash of honey, i actually found this beer a bit too sweet. markymark pepe-guzman guzzled it like a german bear, but this is a man who will take malts over hops anyday of the week. a good ale, but not my personal favorite. 

4.) SKINNY DIP (4.2% ABV) from NEW BELGIUM BREWING CO. (Fort Collins, CO) - i go chatting up blondes as a texas favorite and then lead off the list with two colorado brews. ironically, most midwest and mountainous beer nerds would probably refer to skinny dip as a wheat. but, no sir, skinny dip is no wheat. we have ourselves here a fine citrusy, golden pot treasure pour of sleek goodness, enough so to douse the nudities and brag about it on facebook. excellent bottled, better on tap . . . . . there's no reason to say anymore about this.

3.) BOMBSHELL BOMB (5.2% ABV) from SOUTHERN STAR BREWING CO. (Conroe, TX) - the republic is starting to earn a name for its beer, and with small shot breweries like southern star sprouting up, it's no wonder. this is a great beer. sold only in cans for now, i try to push this beer on every shiner fan i can find. 

4.) SHINER BLONDE (4.4% ABV) from SPOETZL BREWING CO. (Shiner, TX) - hands down, this is my most favorite beer from shiner. it's great. very light. very crisp. just enough sweetness to refresh, but just enough dry to keep you sipping for a long time.

5.) FIREMAN'S #4 (5.1% ABV) from REAL ALE BREWING CO. (Blanco, TX) - in my opinion, this is the best beer brewed in texas. i really like this stuff. any chance i find to chug this stuff on tap, i grab it. had it a few days ago from the tap in a frosted mug with ice chips hunkering down under the tiny white cap. splendid. had another just for bragging purposes. i can't talk this beer up enough. sailors into the region: this is what i'll serve on your next visit. 

THE BEST NIGHT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE LAST WEEK

ONE

last night i sat on a friend's porch, littered in white people, and i watched a bottle of sam adams cherry wheat orbit a small caucasian solar system on this side of the porch. the bottle had accidentally fallen into blake and josh's sixer of sam adams honey porter. at first, when blake pulled the cherry wheat out of the sixer of honey porter, he glowed, holding it up triumphantly like a child's grand toy from the bottom of an adult cereal box. "look, a general lee was in the box of mom's fruit and fiber!" blake had that kind of excitement. and then blake opened the bottle. and then he sipped the cherry wheat. and then all the orange faded off the hood of his general lee, and blake suddenly tasted the fiber on the other side of the fruit. 

one saturday night live skit that often runs loops in my head is the one where this family feels overly compelled to share in one another's misfortunes. at first it's rather simple: one person tastes their fish and declares, "ooooo, it's rotten!" and then all the others say, "let me try!" and they all groan together. then they pass around curdled milk, all exclaiming it's rancidness, but all tasting for themselves. finally, the skit ends with one person running down the basement stairs and falling through a broken board half way down. another person at the top of stairs says, "oh my gosh, that board is broken!" and then they all take turns running and plummeting through the stairs into the basement. skit ends. pure genius.

i thought of that skit last night as this bottle of putrid sam adams cherry wheat touched the lips of every caucasian on this side of the porch. blake declared it's badness, then david said, "let me try." he scrunched his face, saying, "that's really terrible." then faith held out her hand for the bottle. she never said anything, just shook her head at the flavor like running into an unexpected mask of cobwebs. eventually the bottle came to me, but i just held up my hand. i know what cough syrup tastes like. my mother poured the shit down me as a bucking little bronco. i didn't need the reminder. 

TWO

faith recently scored a gift card to world market. i'm not sure if you've seen this place, but it's somewhat boss. not totally boss, but like associate-to-the-boss kinda boss. i remember once, during a fairly dark period of my life, world market had the largest beer selection for burgeoning beer nerds in south kansas city. my buddy andrew botsford and i would drive over to world market, half tanked on red stripe (we were young), and we'd shimmy through all the candle buyers and rug dealers and giraffe statuaries, finally finding the beer aisle where we'd buy up schlafly no. 15 and bridgeport ipa. those were good days, followed by better days when the lukas liquor superstore moved in closer to the house.

so yeah, faith scored this world market gift card and wisely spent it on a build-your-own sixer as opposed to some lame audrey hepburn poster or wine bottle painting. the sixer she built consisted of

- abita purple haze

- sierra nevada pale ale

- new castle brown ale

- new belgium sunshine wheat

- new belgium fat tire

- woodchuck granny smith cider 

when i saw this sixer, built by faith, i instantaneously thought three separate thoughts all at once: 1) how can i score that sunshine wheat; 2) thank God, no shiners; 3) other than the woodchuck granny smith, this is a damn near perfect sixer for a Beer 101 class. personally, i'd replace the cider with a sam adams boston lager, for beginners and for the hops, but that's if i were teaching the course. admittedly, i struggled to restrain my beer geek from wolfing out on the porch there. the educational opportunities alone made me near spastic. 

faith opened the sunshine wheat. she liked it. i mentioned to her that i like the sunshine. "it's a good wheat," i believe i said. "you want it?" she said. "i ain't taking your beer," i said. "you said the purple haze was nice. maybe i'll sip that and you can have this," she said. so i scored the sunshine wheat. and i held it with two hands.

faith then opened the purple haze and passed it around the porch. abita received much higher praise than sam adams for fruitty wheatness. david said, "it tastes like candy." felix said, "it's alright." josh said, "i like that." the enthusiasm was overwhelming. 

THREE

andrew came home with a 24 pack of lone star cars, inspiring this poem:

my texas sized lawn chair held me cradled like a beach

beauty in sun worship bikini spread, though

it was night and our state is landlocked and porch

lights do not brazen me quite like the tiki tan 

salon. the sunshine wheat tasted good, tasted

like a supermodel tan on the insides of my 

taster buds and gullet and belching bullhorns.

then kilzer arrived, bellowing out of a large car,

an SUV screw the earth (i drive one, too). my 

sunshine wheat had two sips left. i felt myself 

leaning towards a zeigenbock, then i saw kilzer's

hand - his left hand, dominant or not, couldn't tell, 

he weren't working calligraphy or chop sticks or

the golden scraper award from dental hygiene school, 

so i can't be sure if were his dominant hand - holding

a suitcase labeled LONE STAR BEER. 24 separate 

drinking experiences canned like aunt faye's preserves

boxed up and bumping against kilzer's thigh - his

dominant thigh, the better looking of the two - and then, 

right there in one fail swoop, i felt my taste buds reach 

for the lone star, while my entire bodied being

seceded from the republic of the beach chair 

and followed andrew through the front door. 

- the hamster / april 26, 2009

*** me and all these white folks were at the house andrew shares with this guy's: ian c. nelson. please listen. 

KISSING HOPS WITH OPEN MOUTH

for the record: i fumbled my way through a 12-pack of schlitz, with the help of felix landry, this past weekend. and it was good. and it made me feel as classy and upper-crust as the schmoe in that pic up there. and i do not regret giving my tastebuds to schlitz or for asking the kiss-of-the-hops into my gullet. if you like corn, you'll like schlitz. if you like smooching slight hints of hops, you'll like schlitz. if you like purchasing 12 beers for the price of 6, you'll like schlitz. if the current economic depression is depressing you but you'd rather stop eating food than drinking lagers, then ask schlitz into your gullet as well. you will thank me and milwaukee.